My friend is irritated by spies. We just happened to use the word in conversation, and he suddenly burst out with, "I don't like spies. I used to know one, and he was very stupid. He asked me to join him and become a spy, but I didn't want to. There are, of course, some good ones, but even they must be a bit stupid to want to do spying. I have never liked spies. I saw some on the television once and I didn't like them. I don't like books about them or plays about them. I don't want to read about them, hear about them or see them. The real ones just don't cut the ice, and the fictional ones are glorified and romanticised beyond all recognition. It is such rubbish. Spies in ships are a real nuisance. I didn't like Russian spies, I hated Italian spies and I didn't think much of English spies. I couldn't stand German spies. I don't think I have ever sought out the company of spies. They irritate me. I find them extremely irksome, except when they are being too boring for words. The trouble is they make such stupid mistakes. They think they are being so clever, spreading unsubstantiated rumours and gossip. They give their information to the wrong people, and get it all mixed up. They are so ham-fisted. And, worse, governments or their security services act on the information that their spies collect for them - even when the information is patently barmy. Much of what they collect is freely available to anyone: it isn't secret. They just like to pretend that it is. Spies in restaurants? I hate them. I really don't like spies: they are unimaginative, unambitious, over-paid and too full of their own importance. Their mistakes are unforgivable. They are nosey: they poke their noses into everything, whether they are wanted or not. They take outdated plans of nuclear power stations and pass them off to their employers as if they were accurate. They steal details of weapons systems and act as if these things really mattered. I don't like spies on buses. They use up seats that proper passengers could sit on. Spies shouldn't be allowed into crowded cinemas as they take up space that could be used by paying customers. Spies in airplanes? They are rotten. I hate spies in schools: teachers shouldn't have to worry about such people. I hate spies in coastal resorts, theme parks and gardens. Spies on the dodgems are especially irritating: they always go the wrong way round. Spies in jazz concerts annoy the hell out of me. They plot and scheme and bribe and kill. They are evil. The world would be a better place without them. I wish they would just go away. I don't like spies. I don't like spies. I don't like spies. I don't like spies. I don't like spies. I don't like spies. I don't like spies. I don't like spies. I don't like spies. I DON'T LIKE SPIES!!! And I don't like pies, either - peasant food. Just don't get me started on pies."